I’ve always believed
that falling in love
was the cure
to my brokenness.
But everytime I fell
and no one caught me,
I broke more.
He told me he liked me. I knew better. I knew that he didn’t, that it was innate in his nature to tell girls he liked them for the sake of a good show. But even though I knew his words weren’t true, that all his compliments and all the sweet things he told me were mere flowers to give, I wanted those words to be true. I held on to them like ropes holding me ashore, because his attention, no matter how temporary and fake it was, is what kept me breathing.
I hate how I thought of you constantly even when I’m not supposed to. I want to get you out of my head, but no matter how hard I try, you just keep on crawling your way back in.
How do you forget how to love somebody
when loving them is all you remember?
I knew how wrong it was. I knew that he isn’t mine and he was hers, but I didn’t care. I enjoyed our late-night conversations and I enjoyed his attention, too much so that I wanted no one else to share him with. I knew that by trying to make my heart happy, I could break somebody else’s, but right now all I can think of is how good it must feel for him to call me ‘his’.
It was already forty-five minutes past 1 in the morning, the clock blared. I don’t care what time it is, I thought, because no matter where the hands of the clock stopped, there was nothing on my mind but you. Only you, 24/7.
I wanted to let you in —
in my head, in my heart, in my life.
But I’m scared.
Scared that if I do,
if I let my walls down,
I’d end up hurt.
I might let you dive deep,
that I might not be able
to let you go.
I stared at my phone, waiting for something. Anything. For an old friend to text, for my crush to reply. I’ve been looking at the screen for some time, and then I gave up. I have no one, I thought. No one even remembers to say hi or to ask me whether I’m doing okay. That’s what I need. And sometimes, that’s all we need - something to slap us mildly in the face to make us realize someone out there thinks of us, too. That we’re not alone in this world and that we matter. But there was nothing. Nothing except Temple Run telling me to 'Take a break, play a game!'